Ode to the un-faithful Kombi
KOSTLY the Kombi was worried.
Not only was he unsure whether his name was actually Kostly or Kosmic, thanks in no small part to his owners - the pretty young girl and boyishly good-looking young man - being unable to make up their minds, but he was about to go on his first road trip.
"Oh bugger," he said, in language quite unbecoming a jacaranda purple Kombi with a red pop-top and a swirl of stars down each side.
"I don't know if I'm up to this.
"There I was, enjoying life under a tree in a paddock in the middle of nowhere and this pair had to come along and ruin everything."
Fans of Kostly - the Kombi formerly and still quite regularly known as Kosmic - will be familiar with his story.
How a happy life of hanging around outside courthouses and enjoying free love and cheap drugs at music festivals came to an end when he was abandoned in a paddock.
How the pretty young girl and handsome young man rescued him and poured all their love (and most of their money) into making him a showpiece of the Kombi world.
Crushed purple velour lining, purple velvet curtains, purple seats, purple sheets on his bed ... he was the king of all things purple.
Sadly, if there was one thing Kostly hated more than having someone intrude on his his life of lazing around, it was the colour purple.
That and snakes, which had made his life a misery by crawling into his most private parts while he sat under the tree in the paddock, minding his own business.
But he couldn't do anything about the snakes or his owners' tastes in colour because, as everyone knows, Kombis have no hands ... or arms ... or legs.
If he had hands or arms or legs, he might waited until all his pent-up frustrations had reached boiling point and kicked some reptile butt before giving his dopey owners a hiding just for good measure.
But he didn't, so all he could do was whinge and worry about the road trip ahead and plot his revenge.
And so, long before the sun came up, the pretty young girl and handsome young man packed Kostly with their clothes and some food (what little they could still afford) and some bottles of cheap alcohol.
Then they held their breath and turned the key.
And because they had managed to sneak up on him while he was still asleep, Kostly started first time.
"Bugger," he thought to himself.
"That wasn't supposed to happen.
"Now I suppose they'll expect it all the time."
So he backfired a few times, just for good measure, before allowing them to back him out of the driveway.
And off they went on their road trip, with the pretty young girl and handsome young man singing songs from the '80s which no one else remembers and even fewer care about.
For a little while even Kostly the Kombi was enjoying himself and if any of the other traffic on the road had been paying attention they might have noticed the hint of a smile around the purple and red daisy on the cover of his spare tyre.
But they were all nasty big B-Doubles and 18-wheelers who were too busy laughing at his purple paint job, saying rude things about his stars and trying to push him off the road.
They didn't have time to notice his slightly crazy grin or the trail of petrol fumes he left behind.
"I'll remember you," hissed Kostly as they sped past.
"I know people who know people.
"Just one spark and these petrol fumes are going up with a bang - so watch your backs, suckers."
Which was much better for his self-respect than joining the pretty young girl and handsome young man in another renditon of Yellow Submarine.
"That went well," said the handsome young man, oblivious to the dramas taking place around him.
"I have to admit I was a bit worried," agreed the pretty young girl.
"But Kostly seems to be behaving himself."
And they cruised down the highway without any problems and had a wonderful holiday as the birds sang and the butterflies did whatever butterflies do.
It was just like scene from a Disney movie and nothing whatsoever went wrong with Kostly.
Which is exactly why they call these things fairytales, boys and girls.
Because they never actually happen.
They are figments of someone's fertile imagination.
And while the background music to this little tale is the soundtrack to Bambi, any Kombi owner will tell you that it can turn into something from Psycho or the Halloween III without any warning at all.